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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
This is my pinned tweet
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.