Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today