Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.