A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.