Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My teenage children choosing violence
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Sing it!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.