Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
sugar glider wrangler
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.