1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
when you don’t want to be too vague
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.