A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
…żyje?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga