It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
This one’s “Alex”.