My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”