People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes