Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
You Might Also Like
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom