It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
dude killed a sea lion with his bike