Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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That’s enough internet for the day
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
plums roundup
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*