[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Any refunds available?…
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.