Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My background check bounced.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.