I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Netflix and you sit over there.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
yeah not falling for this one
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order