[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I can fix him.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.