I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what