If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor