I am patiently waiting for your email
You Might Also Like
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…