Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
For those that worship cheese..
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.