My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Cinematography is my passion
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone