are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho