Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
mariah carrie
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
How software testing works
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.