If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You Might Also Like
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out