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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Ha
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.