“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Thoughts
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
calling in to work dehydrated