every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
sry