Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.