*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack