Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were