If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying