I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
You Might Also Like
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.