[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: