Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.