“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Golf would be better with landmines.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.