Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
You Might Also Like
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My wife gives the best headache.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My beach vacation Google searches
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?