ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter