[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?