Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people