Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing