Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Stop sending me this shit.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”