Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.