Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov