Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working