I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
You Might Also Like
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Banana is the quietest snack
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler