Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Mission: Impossible
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Not today
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day