GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.