It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Rambo Rambow
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.